So I think I've been getting better at strategically taking the bus lately. It's starting to feel like a high stakes game. Either I succeed and peacefully enjoy my ride home, or I fail and suffer the consequences. Not long ago what I thought was a pretty good plan almost worked, actually I'd say it worked pretty well except for I saw some sort of a monster.
July 2013
After an unfortunately common bus ride of standing shoulder to shoulder the whole time I decided that I'd had enough. That night I devised a complicated plan that would take me on a couple different buses, would be less crowded and only take about 10 minutes longer than my sardine packed route. It was going to be my masterpiece. I spent the last 20 minutes or so of work double checking and making sure that everything would run smoothly.
I watched my usual bus go by when I was waiting for my new one and I felt pretty proud of myself. I started grinning like a crazy person when the new bus showed up and it was about half full. This is about how I was feeling on the bus. It may seem like I'm over hyping this plan but it was such a moment for me, I had beaten the bus route of hell.
While I was comfortable and cool on the bus there were still some strange goings on that day. Another guy got on a stop that I didn't know. This bus went through some streets that I'd never been to, and apparently strange cannibals live there. This guy who had gotten on started biting his finger nails, which isn't weird. I've been known to do the same sometimes, so I ignored him. Later when I was getting off the bus to transfer I noticed that he wasn't biting his nails, he was putting the entire tips of fingers into his mouth and was chewing on them. What the actual heck? Why must something always happen on the bus. I got out of there to transfer pretty quickly as this guy was seriously weirding me out.
As a whole besides running into sketchy Hannibal Lecter I was pretty happy with this bus route, even though it's weirder, I'll take weird over big dudes sweating on me.
Oh and when I transferred buses, the next bus came literally 30 seconds after I got off the first bus. That's not part of the story but I just wanted to brag about it.
Wednesday 24 July 2013
Thursday 18 July 2013
A Whole New Level of Awkwardness
The most disgusting thing about buses (That I've seen so far) are the people in it. Well the state of cleanliness that the people inside keep themselves. It sucks when you finally get a seat and some sweaty person comes and stand next to you, then holds the bar above you exposing you to their pungent armpit. The other day though, I wish that would've happened to me.
July 2013
After waiting maybe half the bus ride, the person I'd been hovering around finally got to their stop and I swooped in and got their seat. One of the great triumphs of the bus! Anyways someone new came to stand there and since there was no pole near where I was sitting, the natural thing to do would be to grab the bar above the seats that is there for that exact reason... But this guy had to be different, and weird, weird and creepy.
What this guy does is grab the back of my seat with one hand and the back of the seat in front of me with his other hand. Then he turns and stands in my direction. I was trapped, this guy had actually blocked any way of exit for me, and was standing guard over me it seemed. I have never and hopefully will never see anyone stand on the bus like that. To make matters worse his crotch was right around the level of my ear. I didn't actually look cause that would've made it even worse. My absolute worst fear came true when he moved out of the way so someone could get by and therefore pushed up against me. Yup, the guy grinded me... I felt violated.
Later on after the most uncomfortable I think I've ever been things got more awkward. At a stop not too far from mine I saw an old lady absolutely sprinting to catch the bus. Full out sprinting, I was impressed by the sight. Then though when she got on the bus she stood expectedly near me.I'm not a jackass, I let pregnant people and old people and such have my seat but I just saw this woman booking it down the street, she clearly is not who the priority sitting is for. I decided just to keep my seat for the last 5 minutes of the bus ride. I swear though I could feel every eye on that bus judging me. Strangely no one else felt obliged to give up their seat... stupid jerks.
Oh and a baby was crying the whole time
July 2013
After waiting maybe half the bus ride, the person I'd been hovering around finally got to their stop and I swooped in and got their seat. One of the great triumphs of the bus! Anyways someone new came to stand there and since there was no pole near where I was sitting, the natural thing to do would be to grab the bar above the seats that is there for that exact reason... But this guy had to be different, and weird, weird and creepy.
What this guy does is grab the back of my seat with one hand and the back of the seat in front of me with his other hand. Then he turns and stands in my direction. I was trapped, this guy had actually blocked any way of exit for me, and was standing guard over me it seemed. I have never and hopefully will never see anyone stand on the bus like that. To make matters worse his crotch was right around the level of my ear. I didn't actually look cause that would've made it even worse. My absolute worst fear came true when he moved out of the way so someone could get by and therefore pushed up against me. Yup, the guy grinded me... I felt violated.
Later on after the most uncomfortable I think I've ever been things got more awkward. At a stop not too far from mine I saw an old lady absolutely sprinting to catch the bus. Full out sprinting, I was impressed by the sight. Then though when she got on the bus she stood expectedly near me.I'm not a jackass, I let pregnant people and old people and such have my seat but I just saw this woman booking it down the street, she clearly is not who the priority sitting is for. I decided just to keep my seat for the last 5 minutes of the bus ride. I swear though I could feel every eye on that bus judging me. Strangely no one else felt obliged to give up their seat... stupid jerks.
Oh and a baby was crying the whole time
Monday 15 July 2013
Of Sleeping Gangs and Men
I once read something online about how a guy let a sleeping person lean on them on the bus and they turned out to be dead I'm sure everyone's seen that, it's always made me a little cautious. I've only ever had a sleeping person sitting next to me on the bus once, and it was all my fault.
July 2012
I got on the bus after work one day and there were open seats. Whenever there's places to sit my brain goes into overdrive. It's kinda like how RoboCop sees things. I quickly look at every seat and try to pick the best seat with the least amount of patron interaction. That day it was hot so I scoped out a seat next to the air conditioning and a seemingly normal looking guy... Seemingly
Once I sat down next to the guy he started putting his head down, like he was looking at something. I pretended to adjust something on my shoe so I could see what he was looking at but there was nothing there. After he didn't move for awhile I secretly looked at him and his eyes were closed. I was so close to finding a great seat but somehow ended up next to a sleeper.
As the bus trip goes on he starts leaning over and leaning against me. I was not going to have a sweaty sleeping guy leaning against me, but there was also no way I was gonna confront the guy. I knew the bus route pretty well so whenever I knew there was a bump I'd give him a little nudge with my shoulder. Each time he'd lift his head look up a bit confused and go back to sleep and eventually start leaning again.
I gave up on my drowsy friend so I got up and decided to stand for the rest of the ride. I don't think he even noticed I left, in fact I know he didn't cause a couple stops later a replacement arrived. A gang of loud kids showed up and swarmed around where I was sitting, there were maybe 5 of them. They took turns sitting while the others stood in a weird musical chairs kind of way. Anyways the bus hit a little bump and he woke up.
Oh man, the look on that guys face was amazing. He looked up and immediately his head shot up. He looked like he'd seen a ghost. He had one of those, Oh god what have I done looks going. I tried so hard to keep my laughing under my breath thinking about how to him a passive aggressive guy turned into a swarm of kids. I got off the bus a little later while the now wide awake guy still sat awkwardly with the gang.
I like to think that somewhere this guy got initiated into the gang and is loitering around convenience stores now.
July 2012
I got on the bus after work one day and there were open seats. Whenever there's places to sit my brain goes into overdrive. It's kinda like how RoboCop sees things. I quickly look at every seat and try to pick the best seat with the least amount of patron interaction. That day it was hot so I scoped out a seat next to the air conditioning and a seemingly normal looking guy... Seemingly
Once I sat down next to the guy he started putting his head down, like he was looking at something. I pretended to adjust something on my shoe so I could see what he was looking at but there was nothing there. After he didn't move for awhile I secretly looked at him and his eyes were closed. I was so close to finding a great seat but somehow ended up next to a sleeper.
As the bus trip goes on he starts leaning over and leaning against me. I was not going to have a sweaty sleeping guy leaning against me, but there was also no way I was gonna confront the guy. I knew the bus route pretty well so whenever I knew there was a bump I'd give him a little nudge with my shoulder. Each time he'd lift his head look up a bit confused and go back to sleep and eventually start leaning again.
I gave up on my drowsy friend so I got up and decided to stand for the rest of the ride. I don't think he even noticed I left, in fact I know he didn't cause a couple stops later a replacement arrived. A gang of loud kids showed up and swarmed around where I was sitting, there were maybe 5 of them. They took turns sitting while the others stood in a weird musical chairs kind of way. Anyways the bus hit a little bump and he woke up.
Oh man, the look on that guys face was amazing. He looked up and immediately his head shot up. He looked like he'd seen a ghost. He had one of those, Oh god what have I done looks going. I tried so hard to keep my laughing under my breath thinking about how to him a passive aggressive guy turned into a swarm of kids. I got off the bus a little later while the now wide awake guy still sat awkwardly with the gang.
I like to think that somewhere this guy got initiated into the gang and is loitering around convenience stores now.
Saturday 13 July 2013
The Bus Rumble
As bad as taking the bus can be, it only gets worse in the snow. Buses break, they're cold, people take up way to much room with ridiculous poofy jackets. Snow just generally sucks and it causes going to and from work actually worse than work itself. One time I caught myself not wanting work to end... I was a stranger to myself. Anyways one time I learned that even if it can get scary, the bus isn't the worst thing in the world.
February 2013
I was on the bus ride home from work one day, there was a snow storm outside that was altogether way too late given that it was February. Everything was going fine until all of sudden I heard someone yell. This is a bus rider's worst nightmare, unless this happens cause that always makes me laugh. Usually though a bus fight just makes everyone feel uncomfortable, especially me. Sometimes I won't tell the person at Subway that I didn't want the tomatoes she just put on cause I'm scared she'll start screaming at me, you never know. Anyways it's your typical bus screaming and swearing fight. That is until everything changed
Two girls were screaming, let's call them Sally and Jane. Sally is pissed that Jane disrespected her and Jane feels disrespected by that. That's as far as I'll go into their conversation because otherwise I'll have to write things that I'd have to try and wash out with soap. All of a sudden though a third girl joins the fray, let's call her Crazy Psycho Girl. So CPG marches up to Sally and Jane and starts yelling at Jane. Both the original girls seem just confuddled. Crazy Psycho Girl starts screaming that Jane has no right to treat Sally like that. At this point I stop awkwardly looking down and instead look awkwardly out the window, so I can at least sort of see whats going on.
The next thing that Jane says feels like it happened it slow motion, like a car crash. Jane turns to CPG and asks "Who are you?". CPG does not like this and probably would've lost her mind if she had it in the first place. She takes Sally and pulls her away while screaming "She doesn't even know who I am!" over and over. Sally looks terrified and eventually gets away and sits quietly somewhere else. CPG is not done yet, this is where things get really scary.
I'm wondering if the bus driver is going to do anything, but he's pretending to be focused on the road. Crazy Psycho girl starts yelling to individual bystanders about how Jane does't know her. I can see CPG getting close to me and I start to panic. I try so hard to avoid this everyday, how can this be happening to me?! In fear I yank the cord to stop the bus and run out at the next stop... Then I remember the snow storm. I walk back to my house in the storm debating whether my cold death will be worth avoiding the unstable woman from the bus.
It definitely was.
February 2013
I was on the bus ride home from work one day, there was a snow storm outside that was altogether way too late given that it was February. Everything was going fine until all of sudden I heard someone yell. This is a bus rider's worst nightmare, unless this happens cause that always makes me laugh. Usually though a bus fight just makes everyone feel uncomfortable, especially me. Sometimes I won't tell the person at Subway that I didn't want the tomatoes she just put on cause I'm scared she'll start screaming at me, you never know. Anyways it's your typical bus screaming and swearing fight. That is until everything changed
Two girls were screaming, let's call them Sally and Jane. Sally is pissed that Jane disrespected her and Jane feels disrespected by that. That's as far as I'll go into their conversation because otherwise I'll have to write things that I'd have to try and wash out with soap. All of a sudden though a third girl joins the fray, let's call her Crazy Psycho Girl. So CPG marches up to Sally and Jane and starts yelling at Jane. Both the original girls seem just confuddled. Crazy Psycho Girl starts screaming that Jane has no right to treat Sally like that. At this point I stop awkwardly looking down and instead look awkwardly out the window, so I can at least sort of see whats going on.
The next thing that Jane says feels like it happened it slow motion, like a car crash. Jane turns to CPG and asks "Who are you?". CPG does not like this and probably would've lost her mind if she had it in the first place. She takes Sally and pulls her away while screaming "She doesn't even know who I am!" over and over. Sally looks terrified and eventually gets away and sits quietly somewhere else. CPG is not done yet, this is where things get really scary.
I'm wondering if the bus driver is going to do anything, but he's pretending to be focused on the road. Crazy Psycho girl starts yelling to individual bystanders about how Jane does't know her. I can see CPG getting close to me and I start to panic. I try so hard to avoid this everyday, how can this be happening to me?! In fear I yank the cord to stop the bus and run out at the next stop... Then I remember the snow storm. I walk back to my house in the storm debating whether my cold death will be worth avoiding the unstable woman from the bus.
It definitely was.
Thursday 11 July 2013
The Bragging Homeless Guy
One of the most common occurrences on buses in general, I like to think, are homeless people. I like to think that anyways cause otherwise it might be weird that I run into them almost everyday. It seems like I get asked for money more than any of the other people around me. I even considered bringing little loot bags full of pennies to give to them. Anyways one time it was different...
June 2013
I finished work early one day and happily bounded off to the bus stop. When I got there I found a spot to wait that was sufficiently far away from everybody else who was waiting. One of my worst fears is being that guy who uncomfortably stands really close to people. There is always someone like that, ALWAYS. I was waiting maybe 5 minutes before one of those guys showed up, let's call him Frank. Frank walks up and stands literally an inch away from me, if I want to move my left hand, we'll touch and I'll be scared that we might have a moment. Remember Frank, he'll be important later.
After standing uncomfortably close to Frank for a little while a raggedy looking guy shows up and starts the whole does anyone have bus fare speech and of course he narrows down his search to me. I'm in a good mood cause I finished work early so I give him two of my spare bus tickets. Then he starts chatting, I don't know why I didn't know better. He tells me how he wasn't allowed home for being out too long or something like that and tells me about the local homeless shelter. He sounds something like this, "Yo I stayed at this shelter round here and this morning I got a free breakfast, it was so tight" Then we awkwardly fist bump and he wanders off leaving me confused. Was this guy actually bragging about the perks of being homeless? What?
I don't have time to think on it too much as I notice Frank looking at me. Remember that if I was a couple feet away from the homeless guy then Frank would of been a couple feet plus one inch away from the guy, he saw the whole thing. Frank looks at me in wonder and asks where I know that guy from. I really don't want to keep talking with weird strangers and wonder how much longer the bus will be. I curtly respond that I didn't know him. Frank, determined to annoy me, asks again in wonder, how he knew that I had tickets to give. He raises a good point, how do all these homeless people end up coming up to me? I didn't tell Frank that, instead telling him that I don't know. Frank starts going on and on about luck and homelessness all the while practically holding my hand.
I give up and pretend to see my bus and go wait somewhere else where Frank can't see me, and eventually ride the bus home in blissful silence. From that point on I started waiting next to walls and posts just so I don't have to meet the next Frank... of course it didn't work though
June 2013
I finished work early one day and happily bounded off to the bus stop. When I got there I found a spot to wait that was sufficiently far away from everybody else who was waiting. One of my worst fears is being that guy who uncomfortably stands really close to people. There is always someone like that, ALWAYS. I was waiting maybe 5 minutes before one of those guys showed up, let's call him Frank. Frank walks up and stands literally an inch away from me, if I want to move my left hand, we'll touch and I'll be scared that we might have a moment. Remember Frank, he'll be important later.
After standing uncomfortably close to Frank for a little while a raggedy looking guy shows up and starts the whole does anyone have bus fare speech and of course he narrows down his search to me. I'm in a good mood cause I finished work early so I give him two of my spare bus tickets. Then he starts chatting, I don't know why I didn't know better. He tells me how he wasn't allowed home for being out too long or something like that and tells me about the local homeless shelter. He sounds something like this, "Yo I stayed at this shelter round here and this morning I got a free breakfast, it was so tight" Then we awkwardly fist bump and he wanders off leaving me confused. Was this guy actually bragging about the perks of being homeless? What?
I don't have time to think on it too much as I notice Frank looking at me. Remember that if I was a couple feet away from the homeless guy then Frank would of been a couple feet plus one inch away from the guy, he saw the whole thing. Frank looks at me in wonder and asks where I know that guy from. I really don't want to keep talking with weird strangers and wonder how much longer the bus will be. I curtly respond that I didn't know him. Frank, determined to annoy me, asks again in wonder, how he knew that I had tickets to give. He raises a good point, how do all these homeless people end up coming up to me? I didn't tell Frank that, instead telling him that I don't know. Frank starts going on and on about luck and homelessness all the while practically holding my hand.
I give up and pretend to see my bus and go wait somewhere else where Frank can't see me, and eventually ride the bus home in blissful silence. From that point on I started waiting next to walls and posts just so I don't have to meet the next Frank... of course it didn't work though
Wednesday 10 July 2013
Welcome!
Welcome to Bus Crusade! Everyday I take to bus to and from work, and I swear, the bus I take is a magnet for the strangest people around. After awhile I decided to make note of every time something weird happened to me... my list got long real fast. I thought I'd share my stories, enjoy!
Also I promise that every single story is true... I promise
Also I promise that every single story is true... I promise
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